Last month I meant to write a blog post but I found myself at a loss… This month, I feel like I have too much..
My grandmother passed away shortly after her 95th birthday and I didn’t get to wish her a happy Birthday because WiFi issues… I couldn’t travel to the funeral either because of COVID-19 and while we had a wonderful ZOOM funeral all I wanted to do was give my family members big hugs but being as distant as I was as I wasn’t able to do so. I watched as each member of my family broke into tears and I was powerless to even give them a hug to make it even a little better… It just seems like the hard news has been coming in waves lately and while some of it is naturally not about me it just feels so deeply painful.
My grandmother was one of the last links I had to my mom and losing her .. I found myself completely locked inside for several days, unable to process, crying at the drop of a hat and then feeling this numbness that if I didn’t acknowledge it then it didn’t happen and everything can be ok again, but it’s not ok. I know everyone grieves differently and that even the same person will grieve differently over others. It’s hard to find the words to say though, part of me feels like I should have been there and that I should have worked harder to fix the WiFI that I should not have assumed there would be more time because there isn’t and the other part of me realizes being angry over that won’t change anything. It’s hard to find the words to say to anyone because as soon as I start to try I feel like I can’t speak at all. I want to call and talk to everyone but at the same time I don’t want to “intrude” or make things harder for others… It’s a bizarre sense of complete and total paralysis that I can’t explain but I’m trying. I guess deep down I’m still running away from it, I still don’t want to accept it and I still can’t seem to get past it. I’m not sure if it’s just the way the last few months have felt or if it’s just that deep down I just want to feel that sense of peace knowing that my family is still ok and that nothing has changed… But it has changed, everything has changed and I know I need to accept it and I need to be ok with it, I also know that until I have had the chance to fully let myself feel it, I can’t. So here goes:
To me my Grandmother was the epitome of grace, dignity, and iron will. She was peaceful but she was powerful. She had such a wonderful smile, one that went all the way to your soul. Her eyes lit up and her whole face just warmed like sunshine. She had a laugh that was infectious and you could tell she truly cared about you. When I think of her, I think of books and I think of learning things. I think of her love for understanding the human condition but also her love of learning. My grandmother loved to read Biographies and she loved to do puzzles. She was an excellent writer and I wish I had gotten even half of that skill. My grandmother instilled in me a love of reading, she was always asking me about what I’d last read and what I was studying. She cared deeply about each and everyone she ever met. When I say that she will be deeply missed, I don’t think it does the emptiness I’ve been feeling any justice. When I learned she was gone, a piece of me broke and I felt another hole tear into my soul. You never fill the holes of the people whom you love who pass away. You always wish for one more moment, for that one more second. To say that thing that you wished you’d gotten to say before. I wish I could have told her one last time just how much I loved her and just how much she meant to me. I wish that I could tell her that I will always love her and I have always loved her. The poem I wrote doesn’t feel enough. The words that I wanted to write just didn’t seem to want to come out and everything I write still feels like it’s missing her essence, it’s missing the nuance. Maybe someday I will be able to write about it and feel that I’ve finally done it justice. But that is not today.
For those who have read this far, thanks. I appreciate it.